Getting back to my me…

After my break up, I dealt with lots of confusion and frustration. I was so confused about the relationship and frustrated about how it ended. There was a brief reconciliation and we fell apart again. I am sure it was for the best. I was still frustrated with myself. I wanted to be over it and emotionally that took longer than it needed. I partially blame birth control pills for that. That progesterone is not joke. I spent plenty of my newfound free time reflecting on my choices,  who I am as a person and how to get back to the person I was before the relationship started. But that last part felt wrong. Why did I need to go find myself again? I wasn’t a horrible person. I didn’t change myself for that other person. I would like to think he was interested in who I was without any extra bells or whistles. I remembered, before the relationship, I was working on being better. That never stopped. I remembered how much I enjoy my own company. I continued to enjoy time spent with family and friends. I never lost anything. I didn’t stop growing as a person. There’s nothing I need to get back. I’m where I need to be.

A strawberry letter...

 A quick explanation: A strawberry letter is usually a letter seeking advice about love and relationships. This is my letter you can respond if you want to...

I will entitle this Strawberry Letter: Looking for some encouragement

I just broke up with someone that I was seeing for the past 3 months. It wasn't what I wanted to do but I know it's what I needed to do. He was caring and thoughtful. He didn't have much but he did his best to be romantic like taking me out to lunch from time to time or making sure we could spend time alone even though he has a roommate. We had become really close in these few months and played around with future plans but I had to end things. My issue was his involvement with drugs. I call it an involvement because it wasn't limited to smoking weed from time to time which honestly is something I could've ignored even though I don't and won't participate.

He also sold things from time to time which made me very uncomfortable. He sold something to some guys one night in front of me and I wasn't sure how to feel about it. I confided in a mutual female friend of ours and she said it was something that he did sometimes only with friends and it wasn't something he was heavily involved in and it was just weed she says. No I did not confront him, yet. Than a couple weeks of hanging out with a different group of friends and acquaintances one person informed me that he tried to sell her something (not weed). I did confront him about that. He got defensive. He didn't like me listening to what he referred to as a "fourth party." However he admitted to it and also admitted that he does a variety of drugs. He asked if this would be a problem. I said "I don't know." because I wanted time to think about things. In hindsight I could have just told him yes and ended things there since I knew it was more than I would deal with. But I still kept seeing him and he continued to be the caring sweet guy with a side of controlled substances.

So I go home-home to visit family and friends most important of those my parents. I like to confide in them and get their advice but I also like to tell them the truth and be straight forward about what I'm doing or want to do. I couldn't be fully truthful about the new guy I was seeing. That didn't sit well with me especially since I want someone I'm dating to be able to have a good relationship with my parents. (Hopefully I'm not asking for too much :) ) I ~know~ if I told them everything they would have shut that whole situation down. Spending time back home was also a good way for me to clear my head and think without distractions.

Finally I return to home . He picked me up in my car from the airport. While we're making the hour long trip back to my place he mentions visiting a friend over the weekend. He doesn't have a car so he used my car. He said he saw a friend he hadn't seen in a while. I was okay with that but I couldn't shake the thought of him "moving" certain things in my car. That stayed with me the entire night and all throughout the next day. I knew I had to let him go. I did that night. I told him why. He asked if it was an ultimatum and I said no its just over... Thanks for reading aaaaaaaall of this. My request is just some encouragement. I know I did the right thing but I feel bad. I would stay with him almost nightly. I slept in his arms. He was a regular part of my life for a minute so I need help readjusting. I know how to be single but I can't help but feel like I lost a friend.

Being healthy, being cute… being hungry.

So I like to drink Green Smoothies. I’m not trying to get skinny or anything. I much prefer the other health benefits of green smoothies like great skin, hair growth (I’m a kinky/curly kind of girl) and knowing that somewhere in my day I am getting proper nutrition. Green smoothies are pretty awesome and simple all you need is something green (spinach, kale or romaine) and whatever you want to add. I usually add bananas for a more palatable flavor.

Today’s smoothie wasn’t much different I made my smoothie with parsley, bananas and some frozen strawberries. After working out (not trying to be skinny just trying to define my curves), I tried my most recent creation. It was pretty good however the parsley made me think of a chicken dinner. I wanted the real deal. Some chicken some macaroni and cheese some peach cobbler or pound cake and somewhere in that mix the parsley (you know, to keep it healthy).

Yeah I’m a true big girl in mind body and spirit.

Young bitch said what?!?

I hang out with people of all ages which is cool until the children annoy me.

Every now and then I talk about being tragically single. Not often or all the time, whatever. I was talking to some of my young friends about this. Here’s a snippet of the convo:

Grace says: I have disabled my online account because I tend to get a lot of guys who just want hook-ups. I already have a couple people in my Rolodex for that. My online profile is for real relationships. I want to date someone for reals.  When I get my money up I’ll get on the Match.com maybe…

Young One #1: Well some guys want to hook up with you first and then see where things go from there.

Young One numero dos: Yeah that’s true. Then they might think about a relationship.

Grace was like: Yeah but I’m not about that life.

One of the Young Ones: But that’s how some guys figure out what they want.

Grace, in an attempt not to roll her eyes: Oh okay…

*Please note the sarcasm*

So um I just don’t feel like I need to spread my legs far and wide across the little ass town in hopes of maybe finding love possibly. I’m just saying I don’t agree. No. Nope.

I think I’ll stick to my guns on this one but for the sake of encouraging discussion: Is this the new culture out there with the young people? Or are basic bitches just being basic? Is this life? According to Cosmo? Cosmo teen?

I feel as though this is one of the unfortunate ways that people encourage confusion among themselves. You meet someone online or in person and you decide to hook up which doesn’t take much effort if any. Then, after the hook up you hope that the other person liked what you did because they made weird monkey noises when they came. So you wait for the call, text, snap chat, Facebook message. This example represents the best possible outcome as far as I, the all-knowing, Grace see it. When you never hear back from the person or you only hear from that person after 10 (Realize: that’s when nothing is open but legs and Wal-greens), you get confused. You’re afraid to ask about being serious for fear of losing the person all together because in the situation I just described there is not now nor will there ever be any type of progression. Movement. Forward Motion.

Disclaimer: That’s my biased opinion on where this situation will go. If you hooked up with someone and it turned into a long term relationship, I think you are an exception. I would not suggest living by this as a rule. And maybe I have watched He's Just Not that Into You a few too many times. I read the book too. #jaded

I’m not about that life. I’ll wait for something better to come along live and in living color.

Finding love, finding yourself, or finding both…

So Will and I were talking during a long car ride about nonsense which then led to us discussing love and relationships. Will was like “So I think the reason I’m single is because I like to have control in a relationship and I feel like I would lose that control if I start to consider the other persons feelings. So I end things before that because I don’t want to lose control of the relationship.” Then I was all like “What do you mean by lose control?” So Will describes wanting to be in control of his life and wanting to have control in a romantic relationship and maintain that throughout but not being able to if he starts to think about the other persons feelings before making certain decisions.

My thoughts on this: They are many. Having control in relationship is great but it doesn’t have to be a one way street. There is a certain level of intimacy present in a romantic relationship that isn’t part of a familial or platonic relationship. Having fear or anxiety about a significant others influence on your life is understandable. But we do it with friends and family so we’re capable of handling the situation with significant others. Furthermore we shouldn’t view this as a situation where we would be losing control. This would be a great opportunity to work together with your partner. You don’t have to compromise but cooperation is great. I am all about anything that facilitates communication. You don’t have to do everything alone… 

As far as me and my glass house… My big obstacle is self-esteem or confidence or whatever you call it. I am overweight and I let my insecurities about it get in the way of me enjoying my life for a long time. Sometimes I let people define me as smart but… cute but…. funny but… or nice but… healthy but… (haha). Then over time I realized I am all those things and more but I let other people define me as less than because I felt insecure. Now I have decided to enjoy me and surround myself with people who embrace everything about me just the way I am. I am not saying I am perfect by any means I am just saying my team supportive of me being me and there are no contingencies for their love. Long winded explanation aside, for many years I pushed people (men, potential partners) away because I never felt good enough or I felt like they wouldn’t understand me. I did that to myself and I have (but I still have to work on it sometimes) taken ownership of my actions. My mission for this year is growth. I am working on becoming more positive about myself because I want others to see that. I want to attract positivity from other people. It sounds very cliché but it has worked out well for me so far this year. I still don’t have a man but I am sure it will happen soon enough.

I’d say that’s pretty good seeing as I’m tragically single in the city small ass town.

To: the world

I don’t like labels. However I realized today (and by that I mean a while ago but I’m ready to share now) if I had to choose a label, I would be the black Grace. I am of course referring to the quirky, clumsy, redheaded, loveable character from Will and Grace. My new found title wouldn’t fit me perfectly, that would be the impossible, but it gives a great description of a large part of my life. I like to think of myself and my amazing gay roommate as the black Will and Grace. I fully acknowledge that I am having delusions of grandeur as well as the significant differences in my life versus that of the actual character Grace. I don’t live in a stylish apartment in New York, though. I actually live in a cute town home in a college town. I’m not a designer or as fashionable as Grace (even in her cow skirt) but I think I’m cute. There’s no Karen in this story.

Although my roommate does have several sidepieces which include hetero and not so hetero woman or queer individuals but I’m his main. Bow down bitches. There are several Jacks in the story twirling all over the place…. Any who, my point is that in defining who I am I would have to include the people I love and this includes many who happen to make up the alphabet soup. Having such a diverse group of friends has enhanced my life. I now have a more expansive vocabulary (intersex, cis-gendered, sexual identity, etc.), I have traveled to the lands of the gays (i.e. Boystown, Chicago) and I know how to #read and/or throw #shade.

And this is the part where I had “Will” read what I wrote so far. Then I asked Will, I said, “I’m not sure how I should end this first entry….” Then Will, he says, “Well you could say: This blog will be about my journey over the rainbow....” And I appropriately respond “If a teeny weeny little bird can fly over the rainbow, then why, Oh, why can't I?”

I believe I can fly.

I love you, I love you all.